Haven't written for awhile.Yep.

I'm in a real crappy mood,and anyone might guess if they notice the change of profile layout and deletion of any pictures that I was smiling in.Lol.Llllll.I'll try not to dampen any of those 2 or 3 people's days by sounding too mopey.

Anyway,I babysat from 6 PM to 11:30 PM on....Saturday,I think.The days all sort of blend together now,so its hard to remember.I was watching a REAL baby.Yeah.He screamed and cried 90% of the time he was awake.Once asleep I was allowed to use the parents' laptop and stuff,so that lasted from about 8 - till the mom came home.Got $20 and internet access for about 4 1/2 hours.Fair enough deal.

Uuuum...Halloween is over and it didn't live up to all the excitement I had had about it.Holidays like Halloween,Christmas,and Easter are real sucky now that I'm too old for the magic and too young to go to company parties,sing karaeoke and get drunk.

I'm beginning to feel the consequences of living in such a small town as I listen to my friend who lives in the bigger town right next to here(I don't specify the town names for obvious reasons).She is a freshman like myself and talks about already recieving information packets about what some colleges offer and such.So many oportunities.She can get all kinds of college packets at her school,but I know nothing of this being at my school.They may be there,but I would've thought it would be a bit more known and talked about if it were.

And...let's see.Annoyences and pressure grows ever painful as my friends(and non-friends) continue to tell me,"You need a boyfriend."I've told them I'm not even allowed to have "boyfriends" till I'm 15,and what makes me seem that pathetic that I NEED a boyfriend?Just because they're having the time of their lives trying on guys for size or being hugged and told they're pretty,getting called constantly?I've had plenty of fun without guys,I DON'T NEED A GUY TO TELL ME I'M PRETTY AND LEAVE ME A WEEK LATER FOR SOMEONE PRETTIER,and I hate phones of every kind.

Since 5th grade my peers have gone on about having "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" but I'm sure they never new what such a thing was until about this time,and they still don't get the purpose of dating!To find the one you want to be with for the rest of your life,not to pass from one crush to another!And I still think I'm a little young to be deciding who is right to spend my life with at age 14 or even 15!I can have crushes and daydreams,that's no big deal.No one can help having them.But the only thing more I'd ever want from a boy at this point is to know that I can be cared for and liked by the oppisite sex in return,for him to come out and say he has a crush.It doesn't need to go any further than that.

Which reminds me,my friends think I need a guy?You think I NEED A GUY?Do you SEE guys coming up to me and asking me out?NO!So obviously if I even wanted a GUY,it wouldn't come as easy for me as it appears to for them.Sorry,I'm not outgoing or skinny or athletic.Sorry I don't have a fake tan or fake highlights or lots of money or listen rap.I'm me,I'm happy as I am,but if others go on nitpicking,I can literally feel my self-esteem take a steep drop.It's a scary feeling.

I know I've said a lot of this before,but some people just can't drop it and I'm so tired.I can't be the one to comfort everyone else every time.I thought high school was going so well,and I don't know,maybe this is just one night where I feel less PERKY.But right now,I just want...Ah heck,I don't know what I want....something needs to stop,but I can't put my finger on it....

Okay then,the bottle has exploded and my rant has ended.Good night.